venting,

Where there is no struggle, there is no strength.

Of coarse this is about calvin.
Me and cal have an awesome friendship. But im ready to move on with my life. And i want things he doesnt. So i called him and let him know that i was moving on. And i wanted to make sure i wasnt letting go of something with out trying. Or letting go of something that could have eventually worked out. He just gave me confirmation that nothing was ever going to happen. And that i should just move on.
And before i went into calling him and talking, i pretty much already knew my answers. But i just wanted more affirmation that my thoughts and feelings were correct.
I told him i was moving on and i wanted him to respect that.
But i also told him that i did love him. And i know he doesnt care aboit it now but someday he will.
Then we started talking about cali amd that i expect him to have cali every other weekend. He did not like that. A single guy should have his weekends he said. And then i insisted to know why he doesnt want cali to be apart of his life or why he cant be there for her. He told me exactly this. Because i dont like her. I cant connect with her. She doesnt know who i am and she makes an ugly face and screams when she looks at me. Shes a brat and i dont like being with her. And ive tried with her.

First off i have to say, bull shit. You did not try!! You put not one single sweat or tear or even lift a finger trying.
Second off, shes almost 2!! She has attitude. She has a mom who works and a dad who is not in her life.
Third off, wow! Your going to say that about your own child? You dont like your kid.

I cant even begin to tell you how much that hurt me to hear that.
Might as well have tied me to the railroad travks and get ran over by a train. On second thought that would happen to quickly.pour some tar and feathers over my body. Throw a ton of bricks at me and laah my heart open. Something!

So i asked calvin to write cali a letter. For when she gets older so she can understand why her dad does not want to be in her life.  He didnt want to do it. But finally agreed. And once he writes her a truethful letter he is going to sign his rights over and ill change her name.

As much as this hurts i know its the next step to take for our lives to be better. For true happiness to come and fill our lives. And just keep moving forward. And keep our eyes on the prize.

P.s. one day he will realize what he let go. And it will be to late.de

Xoxo,,