My blog has literally gone down hill. Ha, oh well.

My life right now is a mess. Somedays i feel a certain way and in a matter of seconds, they change. Just like that.

I know im not ready to date someone serious. At first it was because i wanted to be with calvin. But the more i realize and grow and learn about myself...i want someone who loves me and wants to be with me. Vise versa. Slowly i am realizing i dont want to be with him. Im ready to move on. And that doesnt necessarily mean on to another guy. It means move on with my life. Move forward with cali and i. I dont have time or energy to deal with another human being. If that makes me selfish, then so be it.
The lord works in mysterious ways. And i know when the time is right they will happen.


Now that beong said,i still love being taken out. I love spending time out of the house and with different people. I also like getting to know all different walks of life. No one is the same. Every individual is different. Through dating i learn what i do and dont like.

So tonight i went on a date. And i always want to remember it. Because it actually felt like a date. weather i see this man again or not, i had so much fun. We went to the NFR, aftee that we walked around the strip and to the venesan where they had an ice skating rink. (Fake one obviously) but we skated and it was just really cute. He was fun and sweet. Then i decided i wanted to go home. He took me to my moms to get cali . He took cslu and he also gave my mom money for watching cali. Which to me was thesweetest thing ever. I just thought it was very respectful. And i aappreciated it so much. He tooj me home and on my way wheb we almost arrived. I realized i didnt have my keys. So we had to turn around

cali turned 2

first is first, i am a slacker.
so many things have happened in the life of ours.
cali turned two october 12. we had a super fun under the sea party for her.
thanksgiving was delicious. i love that everyone shares how thankful they are for the things they have. and its a time where family gets together and bonds. plus the food....YUM. we have a traditional stuffing thats made and this year, we had a turkey that was deep fried. so good.
christmas is a couple weeks away. holy cow am i excited this year. i already have everything for cali. she is done. i got her some cute clothes. princesses. a doll house. a microphone. a little vanity. and some play make up. my mom got her a kitchen set. and hopefully we will be getting her a leap frog. we are leaving for utah in 10 days! i literally am freaking out. i am so excited to spend time with calvin and my family. im excited for all the traditions and the great things of being with family does. eek!!

so while i was up in utah the last week of october, we got pictures taken. i wanted to get pictures of cali and her dad and me with cali and then just a few of us together. well we ended up taking way more together. but they turned out so freaking cute.
a little side note, i am super disappointed with everyone and their nasty negative comments about me getting pictures done with calvin, or anything with calvin for that matter.  my family only hears the bad things when i need to vent...which, i have learned to keep things to my self or confide in someone who can let me vent yet knowing my true feelings and my heart. i love calvin. he is the father of my daughter. with out him there wouldn't' be a her. i love spending all my extra time with him. i love him weather he is fat or skinny, going through some things to figure himself out or whatever it is, i love him. there will always be a piece of my heart that will be for him. it won't always be like this. because honestly, i don't want to marry him. i want to find someone that is going to love me unconditionally and grow with me and always be there for me. calvin and i are always going to have a friendship for our daughter. he is a great guy just needs to figure out some of his shit.

these are a few of my favorites!! sherry ward does so well. and is so fun to work with! love her! highly  recommend:

the only thing that makes me sad about these pictures is that shailee isn't in them :[ i miss her so much. she is getting so big its crazy!
hope everyone has great holidays! i don't know if i will be on her to update anytime soon!
but really quick, cali is talking up a storm. she can pretty much say everything now. she is alot more independent. but she needs someone to play with...like a little sibling ;]
but she will have to wait until im married which could be never. ahhaha

merry christmas!*

update 26july13

as sad as this makes me to even say this, cali has an abscess. a while back when she fell and broke her front tooth the root was exposed. i took her into my Dr and we put some multilink on there to cover up the nerve and try to keep the tooth healthy. well about a week ago i noticed her gums were really puffy and red. i looked up there and immediately knew what was going on. i told dr dalley, he made some phone calls and i am taking cali to get her tooth evaluated at the pediatrics office. pretty sure they are going to have to pull it. because that tooth is infected and the nerve is either dead or is dying. well since i told dr dalley about the abscess, he wrote her a prescription for penicillin. i have to give her 1 tsp 3 x a day!!! it sucks. at first when i would pull it out to give to her she would cry and run to hide. it made me so sad. we have been doing it for about a week now and now she knows that if she cries i can just give her the medicine so much easier so now she laughs and closes her mouth so i cant dispense it in her mouth. lol shes a stinker yet smart. 

we are going to the pediatrics monday, and i will keep updated how that goes and whats going to happen. im preparing myself for the worst though because i don't want to be freaking out when we get there.

cutest thing right? i was making some potatoes and she wanted to help me. so i let her help stir and she decided to claim queen of the taste testers. her hair is also getting so long. i put it in a pony on the top of her head and a cute little bow. but i just love this little smile. melts my heart and makes me so happy to see her happy.

i have been wanting to buy cali some dress up stuff. and while this isn't quite as dress up as i wanted, i still got it for her because it is so stinkin cute. she loves...LOVES ariel the mermaid. so while we were shopping at target i saw this and she saw it and she loved it. so i bought it.

pazookies!! heck yes. they seriously are the best things that have ever been made on this planet. its a cookie that isn't cooked all the way so they are a little doughy. topped with ice cream and some moose. i love them. and they are even better made for you. Cali wasn't really hap[y because i took her away from her game to take a picture. lol but she loves pazookies as well. tradition.

potty training: at 21 months. she knows that its caca to poop in her diaper. she knows what the toilet is and what its used for. so i have slowly been trying to get her on the big girl potty. she is scared of the big one. so i caved and went and bought her one that would be easier for her to access.well today when we got out of the bath she wanted to sit on there. and then she grabs her book. it was the cuteset thing ever. i waas drying off and getting some stuff ready to get ready. and i heard the toilet start singing its little song. i look over and she was peeing in the potty!!! i was so stinking happy!she got a treat. yay!! now lets just hope she will continue to do that! one step closer.

just couldn't resisit not sharing this darling photo. i just love her and she loves me...obviously. 

her bib says so duh ;]

top: shailee (calis sister)  

bottom: cali

 put this together to compare how much they look alike. and in my personal opinion there are a lot of similarities that i can see. i think they look like sisters. not twins. shai has dark features and cali has light. shailee is also older than cali in this photo. anyways. i miss shai. she is getting so big!

 :]

xoxo tgif

utah trip

How i love utah!
I really dont want to go home.
My trip this time was very unexpected. i needed to do my aunt a favor and brong her and my uncles church clothes to them. It was the perfect excuse to come see my love. Cali and i have had such a great time being with mikey.
Mikey and i went to look at wedding rings. we have decided to get married and i cant wait. There are so many great things in our futurw. Cali loves him. And i know she would be happy with him being her new daddy. So i think i will be moving back up from vegas very soon.
I dont want to quit my jobs but i need to. And i am ready to start my life.
Anyways, im getting my hair done as we speak. Nervous!! But excited.
Mikey cali and i are getting family pictures done today. Eek!
I apologize for being so vague.
Much love xoxo

seriously!

I have the best boyfriend ever. Everyone says that about there boyfriendd and i know that. But seriously mikey just compliments me so well. Thats exactly what i wanted.
I woke up this morning and i called him and the way he talks to me. He is so sweet and just loves me amd i can feel it. i cant even explain it. Eek. I love him. He is just to perfect.<3 xoxo

Taking chances and following my heart 100% all the way.

cali jannette

is just growing like a little seed!
she is so funny. her new thing is she will put her blanket on her head so she can have long hair. and she found this princess headband and she wears it like a crown. i think she has watched a little to much tangled. hahaha.
she just jabbers away. and she is very smart. i just love her so much!

calvin is trying to kiss my ass big time. he wants to pay for cali and i to make a trip up to utah for the fourth of july. plane tickets are expensive on such short notice and i honestly am exhausted from the 6 hour drive up there. so if he can't buy us a plane ticket i don't think i will be going. its just a hard trip to make. i get so tired, i have a toddler that i need to stop and change her diaper, feed her, keep her entertained which is really hard when i need to concentrate on the road and being safe. don't get me wrong cali is an awesome traveler and she usually sleeps the whole time. but its a boring drive. i don't have anyone to talk to. it seriously drags. so i don't think i will be doing it if i have to drive. although, ill get to see mikey. and ill have a good time.
here is cali and her being Rapunzel! :

oops my finger is in the way. :]

welp! i have a boyfriend. and i am so happy. like we considered ourselves together but yesterday i made sure it was official. i could not be more happy. this is the first time i have really wanted to pursue something since calvin. and i am so happy! yaaaay <3

the only hard thing is living so far away. so do i think i will be staying in vegas much longer? nah :] but i am keeping this decision in my prayers because it is a big one and i know i can't make it alone.

xoxo

dating:

mikey vanbrakel,

where to even start. i usually don't like to write about people i am dating but i definitely see long gevity with this man. 

everything now days is through social networking. 

when someone tells you that when they look at your pictures and they can see their future family with you, thats not something you ignore.

we initially met through my sister rachel. and we have just hit it off really well. we used to talk on the phone all the time and then one day he called me and said, im usually not this spontaneous but lets meet in st george and spend memorial weekend together. sure enough i packed mine and calis bags and we were on our way. i wanted to know more about this man. he was intriguing to me. we met him at the hotel and he played some music for us. cali was in love. haha. seriously though. she sat right by him while he played.

and then we went on a little adventure walk. we had a great time together. then we ate dinner and played with cali by then it was bed time.

before i get to carried away, one thing that really grabbed my attention about him was the way cali acted around him. she acted as though she had known him. she was a little shy at first but immediately warmed up to him. and i think its because she knows that he has good intentions. he loved cali and was so great with her.

the next day we decided to drive around town and then we parked and walked to the st george temple. it was so beautiful. the weather was nice and warm.

cali and i had alot of fun walking in the ditch filled with water.

5/27/13 memorial day ^

*

UTAH TRIP

i went up to utah for the tim mcgraw concert. which was awesome! (will be in another post) but mikey and i spent some time together. i have never been so sure that i was with the one i was going to spend the rest of my life with. this individual is amazing. he is very positive and i love his outlook on life. he is smart and fun. and he would compliment my life and who i am perfectly. he loves cali. she loves him. and i know that this has all happened so fast. but why wait when you know?

when you know you know.

i know that i could be happy with this man for the rest of my life.

this is not the best picture lol but i wanted to put on eof us on here, and we really don't have very many. i can't wait to get pictures done with him. i can just see how cute and wonderful they would be

this is one of my favorite pictures. cali's little feet on his guitar. i love these 2. and i can't wait to start a family with him. he will be a great dad. there is no doubt in my mind. <3

cali's face: pricless

she was smiling and we were both just inlove as he plays and sings. he has such a great talent.

she is happy. i am happy. he is happy.

venting,

Where there is no struggle, there is no strength.

Of coarse this is about calvin.
Me and cal have an awesome friendship. But im ready to move on with my life. And i want things he doesnt. So i called him and let him know that i was moving on. And i wanted to make sure i wasnt letting go of something with out trying. Or letting go of something that could have eventually worked out. He just gave me confirmation that nothing was ever going to happen. And that i should just move on.
And before i went into calling him and talking, i pretty much already knew my answers. But i just wanted more affirmation that my thoughts and feelings were correct.
I told him i was moving on and i wanted him to respect that.
But i also told him that i did love him. And i know he doesnt care aboit it now but someday he will.
Then we started talking about cali amd that i expect him to have cali every other weekend. He did not like that. A single guy should have his weekends he said. And then i insisted to know why he doesnt want cali to be apart of his life or why he cant be there for her. He told me exactly this. Because i dont like her. I cant connect with her. She doesnt know who i am and she makes an ugly face and screams when she looks at me. Shes a brat and i dont like being with her. And ive tried with her.

First off i have to say, bull shit. You did not try!! You put not one single sweat or tear or even lift a finger trying.
Second off, shes almost 2!! She has attitude. She has a mom who works and a dad who is not in her life.
Third off, wow! Your going to say that about your own child? You dont like your kid.

I cant even begin to tell you how much that hurt me to hear that.
Might as well have tied me to the railroad travks and get ran over by a train. On second thought that would happen to quickly.pour some tar and feathers over my body. Throw a ton of bricks at me and laah my heart open. Something!

So i asked calvin to write cali a letter. For when she gets older so she can understand why her dad does not want to be in her life.  He didnt want to do it. But finally agreed. And once he writes her a truethful letter he is going to sign his rights over and ill change her name.

As much as this hurts i know its the next step to take for our lives to be better. For true happiness to come and fill our lives. And just keep moving forward. And keep our eyes on the prize.

P.s. one day he will realize what he let go. And it will be to late.de

Xoxo,,

So, ive been working out withmy aunt alaina. She got a Brazilian booty and leg workout video. Exactly what i wanted to work out. We did a couple of days ago when she did my nails. And then i went over last night. Its only 30 min. But let me tell you i am super soar!! But im addicted and inlove. I wish i could get my own copy!

Here i my before picture,
Well...after 2 times. Ill post progress pictures as well.

Side view.

Front.

My workout outfit lol.

Aso my awesome tan in 1 day. Im pretty happy about it.

Thats the other thing that im obsessed with. 

<3

Muah! Xoxo everyonw.

tonight we were invited to go to the bishops house and have dinner. it was very nice to socialize and have fun, and of coarse yummy food. they had invited another family who had like 4 small children. and the bishop had a couple. cali was having so much fun. she was the entertainer of the night.

cali is so full of charisma and personality.
the bishop told me good luck. lol. she is very independent and just loves putting on a show.
i want to help her to always be that way and be who she wants to be and never let her down in anyway. im excited to see who and what she will become. i know she is destined for great things.

drama queen. have a mentioned that before? haha today we were eating lunch and before our lunch was over i got a bowl of ice cream ready to eat [mistake]. when cali saw the ice cream she was done eating lunch and ready for dessert. i told her she had to eat 3 more bites. she freaked. she started her little fake cry. chelsea asked her, "why are you so upset" and cali was waving her arms and started telling a story. haha i was like...what do you call that? we both looked at each other and said, "drama" i love it though. i think it is adorable...sometimes. there definitely is a time and place.
and to say the least, i stayed firm in my decision and she ate 4 more bites :] then it was ice cream time!

love you little billy. your so cute. and i love having you around. and you spread light and joy to all those who are among you. <3 your the greatest thing i have ever accomplished. love you baby girl.

xoxo.
4 more days till utah.
im a little nervous because i don't think i will come back :O ahh

this morning,

cali is actually pointing to her owie on her arm.

lol she is getting a little molett on the sides. her hair is growing!

cali's pretty nails!

my nails. i love them. 

the polish is just on my skin still, 

which is fine cause it will come off. 

but i think they turned out really cute for our first time trying the ombre.

this was yesterday. we were at my moms and this cooler is alainas. so we put cali in there so we could carry everything to my car and take the cooler home. cali loved the ride lol. <3 and shylee and reese had fun pulling her around. reese is seriously just the cutest. he has the cutest personality and i just love my little brother! and he is so sweet to billy. he always tells her she looks so pretty. i love him.

so today i am definitely a little soar. every time i bend down i can feel it in my legs. and my bum isn't as soar as a expected but i can tell that i worked it out. i can't wait to do it again. hopefully we get to do it today! because i love it! and im addicted after one day.

xoxo 

happy sunday everyone. 

enjoy

june

Today was such a good day. We kind of bummed around for the first half of the day. We watched cinderella and you know the part where the step sisters are ripping her dress up? And then cinderella runs out back and is sobbing? Well as she is crying, cali comes over to me and starts fake crying. It was the cutest and funniest thing all in that. her fake little cry = priceless. She will randomly start "crying" and ill say "oh whats a matter baby girl" and she will come over to me and pout so ill hold her for a second and say "its okay sweety. Your okay." And then she will be totally fine and run off and play like nothing. Its one of my favorite things.

Cali took her nap and when she woke up i took her to my moms where she stayed while i took my brothers swimming so i could lay out. I tanned...and i just feel like im not tanning well this summer. But i am taking it slow because i cant always tan. Ive got cali and that limits our time in the sun. I dont want to damage her pretty skin. But we have fun at the pool. I love it. Reese is learning to swim with out his life jacket. Im proud of him. He does so well!

We went to alainas house because she was going to paint my nails. We arrived there and she was doing a work out. Lots of squats and bum work outs. I jumped right in. And it was intense! I did the full 20 min i was there. And i cant wait to see the results tomorrow. I am going to go over everyday this week and work out with her. Because i want my legs and mostly butt toned for my beach bod. So my aunt painted my nails and calis. Then we went home. Cali fell asleep in the car so when we got home i put her in her jammies, and then i put her in her crib! Yay for me. Lol it is hard but its good. And i think we will both sleep much better. Ill let you know the progress. And ill post a pic of my nails tomorrow. They are super cute. :) anyways. Ta ta for now.
Xoxo,
Ash


P.s. how could i forget to mention!!!!!
Guess who is going to the tim mcgraw concert!?!! THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE! :) i have never been more excited. Eek. He is my number 1 favorite singer. Justin vanderhoven haf an extra ticket and i hopped on that ish! So i will be making a trip up to utah. And i cant wait to see my family...my dad (he has his own category. Hes special:) and mikey. My fh (future husband)

P.p.s i lost my debit card. I have misplaced it and i have searched high and low for that stinker. It is no where to be found. :( such a hassle and so much stress i dont need.i put a hold on it bit if i cant find it than i will just order a new one monday.

the first of june,

 

can i just say that i am so happy that its june!?!?

i don't know why but i love this month <3

i love the weather. the sunshine. the birds. the sounds. everything.

here are a couple of photos for you all, its been awhile since ive posted any on here.

just enjoying this summer day.

uncle reesy fell asleep and cali just wanted to snuggle and lay with him.

darling!!

 

UPDATE:

geez, i hate when i slack on our progress. 

cali is talking pretty well. her newest words is, caca (aunt shelley taught her that one)

she says pizza. tasty (my fav when she says that) delicious. what is that. hi. bye. eat eat. night night. mommy. ma. mama. (lol) one. two. three. eye. dog. uh oh. wow. no. she says way more but there are a some of her words.

if she wants something she will grab your pants and walk you to what she wants. she is very smart.

she can point to her: eyes. nose. ears. teeth. noggin. hair. toes. arm. 

she know the kitty says meow. and the dog pants. she says tweet tweet for a bird. and she oinks for a pig, which is her favorite animal. she has some piggy jammies that she almost has to wear every night hahaha.

i have this game on my phone, number games for kids. and the have on thing you press it it says 1. and then the next page has 2 things on it, like butterflies and you press one it says 1 and then you press the second one it says 2. so on so forth. anyways, cali can do it all by herself. and it goes all the way to ten. and she know which ones haven't been numbered yet. its super cute. and when it gets to 4, there are 4 tomatoes and every time she always says mmm and licks her lips. its so freakin cute.

she still is such a good eater. she eats whatever we are eating with very few exceptions. 

she loves to watch movies. her favorite one to watch is tangled. 

calvin came down to see cali for a day. cali went right to him and he helped take care of her while he was with her. blehh. i miss him. why does he have to be so gay and not want to be with us!? plus i swear he likes to make me mad just because he can. 

cali loves to play pat a cake. sing itsy bitsy spider. ring a round the rosies. she loves to swing. play with chalk. 

she is so full of personality. and i love it. she is so funny and we have a lot of fun together. she gives thee cutest darn kisses and biggest hugs. but she also likes to beat you up. cali is very musically inclined. she loves to play instruments, she sings and dances! and she is pretty good at it if i do say so myself. i love her so much.

as for me, my second job is going well. i drop cali off at 7:30 and then i don't get done working till 6:30 which is definitely hard because id rather stay home and be with her. but i have to do what i have to do. and it is all going to be worth it in the end. even right now its worth it.

i have come to love who i am. at first what i was going through was an excuse for me to not progress and to let me be depressed and it made me think that i wasn't good enough. for anything or anyone. ive dated a couple of guys since calvin and each individual has helped me see things in myself that i never saw before. and each time i grow and find something new about who i am that i love and wouldn't change to be anything but me. i love my body. even though i would love a boob job and i want one, i am happy with having no boobs. i love how skinny i am and that i can eat whatever the heck i want and still be skinny. i couldn't have been blessed more. my body is perfect. and when i use to hate it and be embarrassed i have come to realize that this is my body type. this is who i am. this is the home of my spirit while i am here on earth. and there is not a greater feeling than loving who you are. one of the reasons i moved down to vegas was because i wanted to find who i was. and be who i am. and love that person. and i honestly can say that i do. i finally do. and one thing i want to help cali with is to love herself. i think that is such an important thing to know. 

i really would love to take time off and go on a vacayshh. i just love vacationing. i love getting away. doing what i want. having fun. maybe next year? cali will be older and be able to communicate better, and i need to save for a new car before mine takes a poopy. 

im going to invest in a toilet seat for cali and start potty training her. she knows what the toilet is. what its used for. shes pooped in the toilet once. i think with her own toilet seat will help her not be afraid to sit on the toilet. because thats our issue right now. 

i got an instagram! @scandalashh .follow me. #instaworld

hmmm, what else? 

CHELSEA GRADUATED!!

horray!

she worked her butt off. and studied super hard. she was a 4.0 student. and im so proud!! i love her and she truly is an amazing person.

just a random pic of me in my sweet spongebob christmas jammies. heck yeah!

i got these bad boys for my sweet 16. i thought it was a joke when i opened this present but aparently it wasn't ahhaha i still laugh about it to this day. i love them and i am glad i got them!

p.s. i hate spongebob hahha

 

another random. i just like to take pictures of myself some times.

even in my towel when ive just gotten out of the bath and all ready for the day.

don't judge! 

 

memorial day,

cali and i spent memorial day in st george with mikey. we took a long walk to the st george temple and admired its beauty. i would love to be sealed to my family someday. and i can not wait. just knowing that i will be with them forever even after this life is rewarding in itself.

we had fun being in the sun, and walking in the ditches filled with water. i love st geezy.

i am in love with this picture <3

not so much this edited one, but it is still adorable. my sister caught the perfect moment. cali absolutely loves to swing and i love to push her and let her swing. she has so much fun.

i say this in just about every post. but i love cali. she has made me such a better person than i ever was. she has helped me grow as an individual, a mother, and a person.

she is the greatest blessing 

the greatest gift

and i love her with all of my heart and i would do anything for her!!!

alright fabulous followers,

this post is forever long. read it or dont :)

goodnight,

xoxo