Iv thought alot about this love i talk about with calvin.
I really did love calvin alot. Thats true.
But its not love anymore. Its just a very strong attachment that i am havin a very hard time debonding from.and thats all ive got so far!
Xoxo
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
this is long and probably shouldnt be on the internet. very personal.
Where to even start. Im sick to my stomach. I feel like vomiting everywhere. im hurt and broken hearted. You would think that once youve had your heart broken once, twice, three times, it couldnt break anymore. Well guess what...it can, and it does. And it hurts just as bad as the first time.
Calvin has been wanting to sign his rights over for cali and shailee. I always felt like calvin would sign his rights over for cali but not shailee because he loves shailee more. And i have always felt that he had loved shailee more. (which made me resent calvin not shailee)an which at times he has admitted.
Anyways. Calvin came to me and brought to my knowlege that he wanted to sign his rights over for cali. I was taken back at first. I thought. About it and told him exactly this, (exact text):
"Im not going to go along with your decision Calvin. We will have to take it to court and let them decide. You are completely capable of being responsible and on my part I'm not letting you get away that easy. So that being said, I wish you the very best of luck with everything. And I truly mean that."
When i was dating a certain guy, i had pushed calvin to sign his rights over. At the time i thought it would be the best thing for everyone. But we stopped dating,calvin and i got closer, and my decision had changed. I thought it would be the best for cali to have her dad. And hopefully she could motivate him to be there for her. Anyways, as ive thought about it, i. Came to the conclusion that i didnt make cali alone. Calvin and i both knew what we were doing. Yet im the only parent who has been there for cali emotionally and physically. I have had to give up my social fun life because i have her 24.7. I dont get every other weekend off. I dont have someone helping me buy diapers and wipes every month. Or someone helping me pay for a babysitter.
Knowing calvin, the lifestyle he is living, and tbe way he is now, i would not want my daughter to be around that. But i am not letting calvin off the hook. I dont care if that child support debt stacks up for the whole 18 years. Calvin needs to start being responsible and one day he will have to. he cant get a loan untill he pays. And soon his license will be revoked. And if he gets far enough into debt he goes to jail.
My step grandma had to pay child support for my step dad. She is in he 50's and STILL paying child support. It never goes away.
He wants to sign his rights over so we can go our seperate ways. Well sorry dude. We are and can go our seperate ways but your still paying child support :)
I have been sobing all night.
I know calvin and i will never get married and that fine. We both have decided we want different things out of life. And even though i still love him and i have a very strong attachment with him doesnt mean i want to marry him. even though he thinks i do.
What hurts me the most is how he is with cali. I know he loves her...but he really has a weird (lack of a better word)way of showing it.
Im honestly very shocked, but calvin signed his rights over for shailee. Hence,
He got a tattoo today...
me:
No I love both of my daughters
Its just hard right now
me:
but one more than the other. Idc you made that decision. Not cali. Yet cali has to suffer. You should have got both of them and not just one. That hurts MY feelings. I can't imagine how cali would feel.
And from an outsiders point of view you do favor one over the other and it's always been that way.
Calvin:
Then let me sign my rights over so you can move on...
Me:
No. Your not getting away that easy with me you piece of f**s***! Your horrible.
[Bleeped out the language. I wa mad/hurt]
Calvin:
K
Me:
And I'm going to keep letting your debt in child support stack up! Have a Nice life . Because karma is a b****.
calvin:
It goes both ways
Me:
i've done nothing but give you opportunities Calvin. And you know that. So in this case it only goes one way.
Calvin:
If you are done with me then why shouldn't I sign my rights over?? Now you aren't making sense
Me:
Because i dont have a back up dad like jordan did. Your calis dad. And im the only one suffering being responsible. Im not letting you sign them over beCause I WANT YOUR MONEY!!! For cali. You knew what you were doing. I didnt make her alone.
Calvin:
Well find a new dad for Cali, I don't wanna be a dick but I'm not gonna marry you, find someone else and move on we should go our separate ways
Me:
Calvin I don't want to marry you!!! I know that and I've told you that. this isn't about you and me. Its about you and cali! And trust me I've tried to find someone Calvin. They all leave because I have a kid. And we can go or separate ways and you can forget about Cali but you will pay for what you have done. She knows who you are. So if you want to do that to her go right ahead. Your not getting out of m child support.
:)
If calvin didnt want to be a dad he should have never slept with me. Things happen...and again if he didnt want to be a dad, he should never have put his name on the birth certificate. He was given the choice if he wanted to be on there or not.
No sympathy from me.
Timeto be a bitch :)
Calvin has been wanting to sign his rights over for cali and shailee. I always felt like calvin would sign his rights over for cali but not shailee because he loves shailee more. And i have always felt that he had loved shailee more. (which made me resent calvin not shailee)an which at times he has admitted.
Anyways. Calvin came to me and brought to my knowlege that he wanted to sign his rights over for cali. I was taken back at first. I thought. About it and told him exactly this, (exact text):
"Im not going to go along with your decision Calvin. We will have to take it to court and let them decide. You are completely capable of being responsible and on my part I'm not letting you get away that easy. So that being said, I wish you the very best of luck with everything. And I truly mean that."
When i was dating a certain guy, i had pushed calvin to sign his rights over. At the time i thought it would be the best thing for everyone. But we stopped dating,calvin and i got closer, and my decision had changed. I thought it would be the best for cali to have her dad. And hopefully she could motivate him to be there for her. Anyways, as ive thought about it, i. Came to the conclusion that i didnt make cali alone. Calvin and i both knew what we were doing. Yet im the only parent who has been there for cali emotionally and physically. I have had to give up my social fun life because i have her 24.7. I dont get every other weekend off. I dont have someone helping me buy diapers and wipes every month. Or someone helping me pay for a babysitter.
Knowing calvin, the lifestyle he is living, and tbe way he is now, i would not want my daughter to be around that. But i am not letting calvin off the hook. I dont care if that child support debt stacks up for the whole 18 years. Calvin needs to start being responsible and one day he will have to. he cant get a loan untill he pays. And soon his license will be revoked. And if he gets far enough into debt he goes to jail.
My step grandma had to pay child support for my step dad. She is in he 50's and STILL paying child support. It never goes away.
He wants to sign his rights over so we can go our seperate ways. Well sorry dude. We are and can go our seperate ways but your still paying child support :)
I have been sobing all night.
I know calvin and i will never get married and that fine. We both have decided we want different things out of life. And even though i still love him and i have a very strong attachment with him doesnt mean i want to marry him. even though he thinks i do.
What hurts me the most is how he is with cali. I know he loves her...but he really has a weird (lack of a better word)way of showing it.
Im honestly very shocked, but calvin signed his rights over for shailee. Hence,
He got a tattoo today...
I think its great but i thought wow. I know who you favor/love more. And you know what he told me? I never want to forget shailee.
I said so what? What about cali you want to forget her? He said if i let him sign his rights over he will get calis name on his other wrist. Omg!!! This isnt a bbribery. He seriously was trying to bribe me wiyh that. Idiot.
Exact convo:
(He sent me the pic of his tattoo)
me:
nice cal...
Very obvious who you love more.
calvin:
I love Cali too, I just never want to forget Shai
me:
But cali. You make no sense.
And you can't watch cali, and you can neglect her and not watch her but if it were Shai you would be all over it. It's true isn't it.
me:
No I love both of my daughters
Its just hard right now
me:
but one more than the other. Idc you made that decision. Not cali. Yet cali has to suffer. You should have got both of them and not just one. That hurts MY feelings. I can't imagine how cali would feel.
And from an outsiders point of view you do favor one over the other and it's always been that way.
Calvin:
Then let me sign my rights over so you can move on...
Me:
No. Your not getting away that easy with me you piece of f**s***! Your horrible.
[Bleeped out the language. I wa mad/hurt]
Calvin:
K
Me:
And I'm going to keep letting your debt in child support stack up! Have a Nice life . Because karma is a b****.
calvin:
It goes both ways
Me:
i've done nothing but give you opportunities Calvin. And you know that. So in this case it only goes one way.
Calvin:
If you are done with me then why shouldn't I sign my rights over?? Now you aren't making sense
Me:
Because i dont have a back up dad like jordan did. Your calis dad. And im the only one suffering being responsible. Im not letting you sign them over beCause I WANT YOUR MONEY!!! For cali. You knew what you were doing. I didnt make her alone.
Calvin:
Well find a new dad for Cali, I don't wanna be a dick but I'm not gonna marry you, find someone else and move on we should go our separate ways
Me:
Calvin I don't want to marry you!!! I know that and I've told you that. this isn't about you and me. Its about you and cali! And trust me I've tried to find someone Calvin. They all leave because I have a kid. And we can go or separate ways and you can forget about Cali but you will pay for what you have done. She knows who you are. So if you want to do that to her go right ahead. Your not getting out of m child support.
:)
If calvin didnt want to be a dad he should have never slept with me. Things happen...and again if he didnt want to be a dad, he should never have put his name on the birth certificate. He was given the choice if he wanted to be on there or not.
No sympathy from me.
Timeto be a bitch :)
Monday, April 29, 2013
Dont hate me for all of my depressing posts. Im sorry. But im struggling. I love this guy so much. Probably alot more than i should.
And i should say this...i still love who he used to be. And i dont know why i cant let it go. No matter how hard i try and honestly truely want to let it go, it somehow finds its way back into my heart/brain/life!!
And it always ends up hurting me when i knew it would in the first place. He was my best friend. And i would have done anything for him. And to watch him go down this path he has chooosen is so hard for me because i know he is much better than that. And this kid has so much potential. So much.
But yet i have seen him have it all, to slowly losing his friends, his car, and now his family one by one.
I have tried to be there to encourage him. To help motivate him to do his best. But thats really hard to do when someone is lazy. You cant change lazy. You cant help lazy.
Do i just try letting it go again?
Yes of coarse! Im sure that what your all thinking. Its alot easier said than done. And i really wantthese feelings to go away. And sometimes itfeels like they do. But they always endup coming back. I cant even explain the way my heart feels. It honestly feels like its aching. Sometimes ready to burst.
I know i have a place in someones heart. And i just want to be there. I want to give the love i have to offer to someone who will appreiate it.
I hate being alone.and i hope this isnt a trial where i have to be content with being single before i can be content being with someone.
Its hard in my situation too because i have a chold. . I dont want to bring these guys in and out of her life and let her thinkthats okay.
Well why dont i get my dating in every other weekene when her dad has her? He never has her. I have her 24.7 and i love it. Im grateful i do. But that gives me no free time to go out. Blahh. Im frusterated. I dont like this. I hate that he is lazy and doesnt help me do anything!!! the joys of being a single mother right?
He told me he wanted to sign his rights over for cali. And i told him i wasnt going to support hisdecision because he is completely capable of being responsible and we would have to take it to the courtsand let them decide. ideally, him signing his rights over would be the best thing for me. Im not to sure it would be for cali. Especially when im not dating anyone and dont see myself settling down anytime soon, cali doesnt have a father figure. I just hope he will step up. Try harder. Because in the end it affects cali.
All i want to do is the right thing. I want the very best for her. She didnt do anything to deserve.anything less. I know i need to be patienta. And just be strong. Its difficult to not melt down somedays. It seriously gets tuff.
I need to keep thi in my prayers and ask for strength. Its out of my hands now. And i know that my heavenly father has a plan for me...and everything is going to work out just fine. He knows my heart and my struggles and he is.watching out for me. I just need to learn some tuff lessons on the way.
(Sorry to get all churchy. The way i feel)
Anyways, i hope thngs work out soon.
Xo
And i should say this...i still love who he used to be. And i dont know why i cant let it go. No matter how hard i try and honestly truely want to let it go, it somehow finds its way back into my heart/brain/life!!
And it always ends up hurting me when i knew it would in the first place. He was my best friend. And i would have done anything for him. And to watch him go down this path he has chooosen is so hard for me because i know he is much better than that. And this kid has so much potential. So much.
But yet i have seen him have it all, to slowly losing his friends, his car, and now his family one by one.
I have tried to be there to encourage him. To help motivate him to do his best. But thats really hard to do when someone is lazy. You cant change lazy. You cant help lazy.
Do i just try letting it go again?
Yes of coarse! Im sure that what your all thinking. Its alot easier said than done. And i really wantthese feelings to go away. And sometimes itfeels like they do. But they always endup coming back. I cant even explain the way my heart feels. It honestly feels like its aching. Sometimes ready to burst.
I know i have a place in someones heart. And i just want to be there. I want to give the love i have to offer to someone who will appreiate it.
I hate being alone.and i hope this isnt a trial where i have to be content with being single before i can be content being with someone.
Its hard in my situation too because i have a chold. . I dont want to bring these guys in and out of her life and let her thinkthats okay.
Well why dont i get my dating in every other weekene when her dad has her? He never has her. I have her 24.7 and i love it. Im grateful i do. But that gives me no free time to go out. Blahh. Im frusterated. I dont like this. I hate that he is lazy and doesnt help me do anything!!! the joys of being a single mother right?
He told me he wanted to sign his rights over for cali. And i told him i wasnt going to support hisdecision because he is completely capable of being responsible and we would have to take it to the courtsand let them decide. ideally, him signing his rights over would be the best thing for me. Im not to sure it would be for cali. Especially when im not dating anyone and dont see myself settling down anytime soon, cali doesnt have a father figure. I just hope he will step up. Try harder. Because in the end it affects cali.
All i want to do is the right thing. I want the very best for her. She didnt do anything to deserve.anything less. I know i need to be patienta. And just be strong. Its difficult to not melt down somedays. It seriously gets tuff.
I need to keep thi in my prayers and ask for strength. Its out of my hands now. And i know that my heavenly father has a plan for me...and everything is going to work out just fine. He knows my heart and my struggles and he is.watching out for me. I just need to learn some tuff lessons on the way.
(Sorry to get all churchy. The way i feel)
Anyways, i hope thngs work out soon.
Xo
Thursday, April 25, 2013
25april13
man, yesterday was a crappy day! we had a patient come in and she was being seriously retarded. she could not breath through her nose while we were working. so we would have like 2 min of working time and then we would have to stop. not even two min! anyway to say the least. it was not a good day. very stressful. and on my way to go get cali this guy wouldn't let me over in traffic so i missed +
my exit. i was not happy.
but then i got home and cali and i played together. went on a walk. and ate some dinner, bath and then she was in bed by 9. i watched AI! and my prediction is the top 2 will be amber and angie. i can't wait to see who goes home tonight!! ahhh.
today was freaking great. i got to sleep in. take my time getting cali and i ready. and then i went to work at 1. i had a really good day at work taking x rays. checking pts out etc. i think because yesterday was so stressful and difficult it made today so much easier.
when i picked cali up she was so happy. which made me even happier.
when we got home she was walking in all by herself cause she is a big girl ;) ...anyway she fell and scrapped her little knee.i picked her up and kissed it owie for her. oh it was so sad. but ive always wanted to do that part of mommy and i finally got to. i loved it. and it was just a tiny little scrap and she was okay.
and then we went on a long walk today.
i decided a little while ago that i was going to start working out. just easy basic at home work outs to
somewhat get my body in shape for the summer. ive only done it consistently the last couple of days. push ups. bicycle crunches. crunches. leg lifts and squats. and planking. calf raises. thats really it but i am so soar!! which i kinda love. but on our walk my legs were so soar haha there was a point where i didn't know if i could go on lol. but we did it. and i loved it. since ive been "working out" (i do the ""'s because i feel so lame calling it a workout haha) ive craved water. which is fab. and since darryl moved in shelley has been cooking pretty healthy. im still gaining weight which i am happy about.
so i had a very spur of the moment thought. i want to go to utah!
i have been needing to just get away and out of here and i have mon and tues off. so i think that i am going to go for a couple of days and just see my dad and sister...and family. i miss them.
ahhh i want to be a little more spontaneous and although i would much rather go to california and the beach im going to go to utah. yay im kind of excited. and cali is so much fun im excited for her to be with my dad. eek!! ahh! blahh! woah!!
<3 xoxo
my exit. i was not happy.
but then i got home and cali and i played together. went on a walk. and ate some dinner, bath and then she was in bed by 9. i watched AI! and my prediction is the top 2 will be amber and angie. i can't wait to see who goes home tonight!! ahhh.
today was freaking great. i got to sleep in. take my time getting cali and i ready. and then i went to work at 1. i had a really good day at work taking x rays. checking pts out etc. i think because yesterday was so stressful and difficult it made today so much easier.
when i picked cali up she was so happy. which made me even happier.
when we got home she was walking in all by herself cause she is a big girl ;) ...anyway she fell and scrapped her little knee.i picked her up and kissed it owie for her. oh it was so sad. but ive always wanted to do that part of mommy and i finally got to. i loved it. and it was just a tiny little scrap and she was okay.
and then we went on a long walk today.
i decided a little while ago that i was going to start working out. just easy basic at home work outs to
somewhat get my body in shape for the summer. ive only done it consistently the last couple of days. push ups. bicycle crunches. crunches. leg lifts and squats. and planking. calf raises. thats really it but i am so soar!! which i kinda love. but on our walk my legs were so soar haha there was a point where i didn't know if i could go on lol. but we did it. and i loved it. since ive been "working out" (i do the ""'s because i feel so lame calling it a workout haha) ive craved water. which is fab. and since darryl moved in shelley has been cooking pretty healthy. im still gaining weight which i am happy about.
so i had a very spur of the moment thought. i want to go to utah!
i have been needing to just get away and out of here and i have mon and tues off. so i think that i am going to go for a couple of days and just see my dad and sister...and family. i miss them.
ahhh i want to be a little more spontaneous and although i would much rather go to california and the beach im going to go to utah. yay im kind of excited. and cali is so much fun im excited for her to be with my dad. eek!! ahh! blahh! woah!!
<3 xoxo
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
future hubs,,,,
start taking notes!
im in love this oval shaped ring. and the looped sides.
not a fan of the halo thoug. i could do with out.
sorry hubby. im not cheap.i know what i want.
(and thats probably why im with you (reading this from the future)
seriously drooling over this beautiful ring. its has such a simple yet elegant look to it. its big but it is not over done. omg. please oh please oh please!!!
who you are
losing my mind on a tiny error
its okay to not be okay
sometimes its hard to follow your heart
tears don't mean your losing. everybody's bruising. just be true to who you are!
the more i try, the less its working.
its okay to not be okay
its okay to not be okay
sometimes its hard to follow your heart
tears don't mean your losing. everybody's bruising. just be true to who you are!
the more i try, the less its working.
its okay to not be okay
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
23april13
first off, i feel so much better from my last post. migraines freaking SUCK!!
my day started off crazy.
i wasn't supposed to work today so i planned on sleeping in.
7:30 i hear my annoying door creek open. i open my eyes to a phone being shoved in my face. it was a text informing me to call lacey about work. so i called her and her dad had a mild heart attack. she asked me if i could go in and take care of the hygiene patients and a couple of patients on docs side. i hurried up and got ready when i got a phone call from my boss asking me if i could pick him up on craig and the I-15 where he took his truck in to get fixed. that is totally out of my way. well being the nice girl that i am i went and picked him up. dropped him off at work. then dropped cali off at my moms. went back to work. took care of our patients. and then on our little break, i took doc back to get his truck. after that i went and got cali and we got some lunch and went back to work.
at first she was a little uncomfortable. as she warmed up more, we blew up some gloves and played with them. i put her on one of the operating chairs and made it go up and down. at first she did not like it. but after a couple of times she had fun. she helped me sterilize instruments and ran around the office. we had a teenage boy getting his teeth cleaned today and while his mom was getting hers cleaned, he waited in the room with her talking to our hygienist. cali was TOTALLY flirting with this boy. she would peak in the room, smile and run away. haha it was so cute. and then next time shed get a little closer, and then a little closer. we had fun and i love being able to take her. it will be fun when she is a little bit older and can really understand whats going on and i can teach her this awesome trade, whether she wants to be a dental assistant or not. it will be good experience for her.
i guess re reading this it doesn't seem TO crazy but seriously it was. not a good way to wake up after a night being sick with a migraine. blehh.
we got home and i did some dishes and took cali for a walk. she loves walks. no joke. i was doing laundry and cali was being kind of quiet. i look over and she is in the stroller haha. kind of freaks me out because she crawls over the the top of the cup holder part. im so scared she is going to fall. so we went on a little walk, came home. shelley made spaghetti for dinner. it was so yummy. cali loved it too. we let her feed herself.
she cracks me up. everyone at the dinner table was laughing so hard.
after dinner we got in the bath. she didn't take a nap today so she has kind of been extra cranky. right after her bath i could tell she was ready to close her eyes. so i put her lotion on her. got her favorite piggy jamies on her, wrapped her in her favorite blanky and we went for another walk. she loves to be outside. and the air was so nice and cool today. i felt like i was up the canyon walking next to the river. i love that feeling. when we got home i cuddled with her and she fell asleep. although it was pretty early for her to go to bed i decided to just let her sleep. i knew she was tired and it had been a long day. so i put her down in her crib and got some chores around the house done. i cleaned up dinner for my aunt shelley and the kitchen. i did my laundry and picked up the house.
today felt so great getting alot of things done. this is one reason i love not having the distraction of a phone. i got to spend amazing quality time with my daughter. i got alot of house work done. and i just feel motivated! i want to do more.
life as we know it is thee best movie ever!
i have been watching it while i write this. why do movies have to make us feel this way? i want a man. i really want to love someone and, be kissed by someone and cuddle and just be in love! i don't want to be with someone for security. obviously that is a huge part of being with someone but i really want to love the person im going to spend forever with. #imlonely
note: when i get engaged, i don't want my engagements to look completely posed. i love the candid and real captured moments!
sorry this is like thee longeset post ever. gotta love online journaling <3
xoxo
my day started off crazy.
i wasn't supposed to work today so i planned on sleeping in.
7:30 i hear my annoying door creek open. i open my eyes to a phone being shoved in my face. it was a text informing me to call lacey about work. so i called her and her dad had a mild heart attack. she asked me if i could go in and take care of the hygiene patients and a couple of patients on docs side. i hurried up and got ready when i got a phone call from my boss asking me if i could pick him up on craig and the I-15 where he took his truck in to get fixed. that is totally out of my way. well being the nice girl that i am i went and picked him up. dropped him off at work. then dropped cali off at my moms. went back to work. took care of our patients. and then on our little break, i took doc back to get his truck. after that i went and got cali and we got some lunch and went back to work.
at first she was a little uncomfortable. as she warmed up more, we blew up some gloves and played with them. i put her on one of the operating chairs and made it go up and down. at first she did not like it. but after a couple of times she had fun. she helped me sterilize instruments and ran around the office. we had a teenage boy getting his teeth cleaned today and while his mom was getting hers cleaned, he waited in the room with her talking to our hygienist. cali was TOTALLY flirting with this boy. she would peak in the room, smile and run away. haha it was so cute. and then next time shed get a little closer, and then a little closer. we had fun and i love being able to take her. it will be fun when she is a little bit older and can really understand whats going on and i can teach her this awesome trade, whether she wants to be a dental assistant or not. it will be good experience for her.
i guess re reading this it doesn't seem TO crazy but seriously it was. not a good way to wake up after a night being sick with a migraine. blehh.
we got home and i did some dishes and took cali for a walk. she loves walks. no joke. i was doing laundry and cali was being kind of quiet. i look over and she is in the stroller haha. kind of freaks me out because she crawls over the the top of the cup holder part. im so scared she is going to fall. so we went on a little walk, came home. shelley made spaghetti for dinner. it was so yummy. cali loved it too. we let her feed herself.
after dinner we got in the bath. she didn't take a nap today so she has kind of been extra cranky. right after her bath i could tell she was ready to close her eyes. so i put her lotion on her. got her favorite piggy jamies on her, wrapped her in her favorite blanky and we went for another walk. she loves to be outside. and the air was so nice and cool today. i felt like i was up the canyon walking next to the river. i love that feeling. when we got home i cuddled with her and she fell asleep. although it was pretty early for her to go to bed i decided to just let her sleep. i knew she was tired and it had been a long day. so i put her down in her crib and got some chores around the house done. i cleaned up dinner for my aunt shelley and the kitchen. i did my laundry and picked up the house.
today felt so great getting alot of things done. this is one reason i love not having the distraction of a phone. i got to spend amazing quality time with my daughter. i got alot of house work done. and i just feel motivated! i want to do more.
life as we know it is thee best movie ever!
i have been watching it while i write this. why do movies have to make us feel this way? i want a man. i really want to love someone and, be kissed by someone and cuddle and just be in love! i don't want to be with someone for security. obviously that is a huge part of being with someone but i really want to love the person im going to spend forever with. #imlonely
note: when i get engaged, i don't want my engagements to look completely posed. i love the candid and real captured moments!
sorry this is like thee longeset post ever. gotta love online journaling <3
xoxo
Monday, April 22, 2013
so seriously like ten min ago i was feeling nauseous and i was ready to vomit.
i could feel it coming up so i ran to the bathroom and of coarse, it went away. so i went and got a bowl, went back to my room and seriously immediately threw up. it was so nasty.
but my headache mildly went away. thank goodness. but i suddenly feel like im going to throw up again. :[ boo hoo!!! noooo. i hate being sick. with a passion. and i hate throwing up. i am thee ugliest thrower upper too. i can't throw up with out making the most nastiest sounds ever lol. ive tried. it doesn't work. i am so tired. i hope this is just from something i ate....i can't be sick right now!!
i could feel it coming up so i ran to the bathroom and of coarse, it went away. so i went and got a bowl, went back to my room and seriously immediately threw up. it was so nasty.
but my headache mildly went away. thank goodness. but i suddenly feel like im going to throw up again. :[ boo hoo!!! noooo. i hate being sick. with a passion. and i hate throwing up. i am thee ugliest thrower upper too. i can't throw up with out making the most nastiest sounds ever lol. ive tried. it doesn't work. i am so tired. i hope this is just from something i ate....i can't be sick right now!!
Sunday, April 21, 2013
my child
is the number one most important thing in my life.
for the past couple of weeks/months, i have really noticed how in tuned i am with the computer and my phone. i am constantly on my phone. always checking facebook, emails, texting, taking pictures and then editing them.
since a couple of weeks ago when i dropped my phone in a bowl of milk, i felt a sense of relief come off my shoulders and it helped me realize how much time i spent on my phone and not with my daughter. but also since i have been phone less, i have spent even MORE time on the computer...trying not to miss my social life on the internet. pathetic. looking back on the past couple of months and weeks i can recall cali trying to pull me away from the computer to cuddle her, or play with her. as i am trying not to bawl my eyes writing this because i feel like a horrible mother for not spending as much time with my child as i should be and spending more time on this dang computer. i feel like just in the past couple of weeks/months i have missed out on so much of my baby already.
when calis dad decided he didn't want to be apart of our lives anymore, it left me to be a single parent. so when i took on the role of being a single mother i definitely was given a much bigger responsibility to be there for my child. and i have lacked in that area greatly.
(cali is taking a nap while i write all of this btw.)
i was just on facebook and this story on my newsfeed caught my eye...
Dear Mom On the iPhone,
I see you over there on the bench, messing on your iPhone. It feels good to relax a little while your kids have fun in the sunshine, doesn’t it? You are doing a great job with your kids, you work hard, you teach them manners, have them do their chores.
But Mom, let me tell you what you don’t see right now…..
Your little girl is spinning round and round, making her dress twirl. She is such a little beauty queen already, the sun shining behind her long hair. She keeps glancing your way to see if you are watching her.
You aren’t.
Your little boy keeps shouting, “Mom, MOM watch this!” I see you acknowledge him, barely glancing his way.
He sees that too. His shoulders slump, but only for a moment, as he finds the next cool thing to do.
Now you are pushing your baby in the swing. She loves it! Cooing and smiling with every push. You don’t see her though, do you? Your head is bent, your eyes on your phone as you absently push her swing.
Talk to her. Tell her about the clouds, Mommy. The Creator who made them. Tickle her tummy when she comes near you and enjoy that baby belly laugh that leaves far too quickly.
Put your eyes back on your prize…Your kids.
Show them that they are the priority. Wherever you are, be ALL there. I am not saying it’s not ok to check in on your phone, but it’s a time-sucker: User Beware!
Play time at the park will be over before you know it.
The childhood of your children will be gone before you know it.
They won’t always want to come to the park with you, Mommy. They won’t always spin and twirl to make their new dress swish, they won’t always call out, “WATCH ME!”
There will come a point when they stop trying, stop calling your name, stop bothering to interrupt your phone time.
Because they know…
You’ve shown them, during all of these moments, that the phone is more important than they are. They see you looking at it at while waiting to pick up brother from school, during playtime, at the dinner table, at bedtime…..
I know that’s not true, Mommy.
I know your heart says differently.
But your kids can’t hear your words, Mommy. Your actions are screaming way too loudly.
May our eyes rest upon those we love, first and foremost, and may everything else fall away in the wonderful, noisy, sticky-fingered glory of it all. ♥
i seriously had a break down. and having it be that time of month does not help.
i love cali. so much. no body will ever know how much i love my child. and what i would do for her. and being the only one to care and take care of her (meaning the only parent...obviously i have alot of family that helps) has given me even more of an attachment to my child as a parent.
i have been going through a depression state again, and a denial stage.
just being alone, with out a companion, with out someone to kiss me good night, with out someone to cuddle me, with out someone to make fun of me and be silly with.
bringing a child into this world with someone you love but doesn't love you enough back is really hard to cope with. i really loved my childs father. i would have done anything for him.
a year and a half has gone by and i think it is finally starting to hit me that, he has changed. alot. he has gone a different path than where i want to go and am going. we will never be together again. and honestly it makes me so sad. i thought he was better than that. i thought he could do it. and go through with all his dreams and plans. i know i deserve something much greater....not just me but cali too! i will not settle. i have been really hurt, and torn apart by this past experience and i have been hurt while i have been trying to recover.
i know that one day something will work out. i will find someone who was ment for me and cali. its just really hard to be patient when i want that right now. when i want to start my life but feel so stuck in the position i am in right now. not that there is anything wrong with living with my aunt and uncle, and being a single mom. i really do love it. but i just want my own place. my own life. not having to worry about other peoples lives interfering with mine. vise versa. i want to be able to parent my child how i want! i love the help im not saying i don't i just want to be the one to tell my child what she can and can't do etc.
anyways, i am going off the radar for awhile...
and what i mean by that is i am going to make it a goal and very high priority goal to only get on the computer when cali is asleep. for either a nap or bedtime.
xoxo
for the past couple of weeks/months, i have really noticed how in tuned i am with the computer and my phone. i am constantly on my phone. always checking facebook, emails, texting, taking pictures and then editing them.
since a couple of weeks ago when i dropped my phone in a bowl of milk, i felt a sense of relief come off my shoulders and it helped me realize how much time i spent on my phone and not with my daughter. but also since i have been phone less, i have spent even MORE time on the computer...trying not to miss my social life on the internet. pathetic. looking back on the past couple of months and weeks i can recall cali trying to pull me away from the computer to cuddle her, or play with her. as i am trying not to bawl my eyes writing this because i feel like a horrible mother for not spending as much time with my child as i should be and spending more time on this dang computer. i feel like just in the past couple of weeks/months i have missed out on so much of my baby already.
when calis dad decided he didn't want to be apart of our lives anymore, it left me to be a single parent. so when i took on the role of being a single mother i definitely was given a much bigger responsibility to be there for my child. and i have lacked in that area greatly.
(cali is taking a nap while i write all of this btw.)
i was just on facebook and this story on my newsfeed caught my eye...
Dear Mom On the iPhone,
I see you over there on the bench, messing on your iPhone. It feels good to relax a little while your kids have fun in the sunshine, doesn’t it? You are doing a great job with your kids, you work hard, you teach them manners, have them do their chores.
But Mom, let me tell you what you don’t see right now…..
Your little girl is spinning round and round, making her dress twirl. She is such a little beauty queen already, the sun shining behind her long hair. She keeps glancing your way to see if you are watching her.
You aren’t.
Your little boy keeps shouting, “Mom, MOM watch this!” I see you acknowledge him, barely glancing his way.
He sees that too. His shoulders slump, but only for a moment, as he finds the next cool thing to do.
Now you are pushing your baby in the swing. She loves it! Cooing and smiling with every push. You don’t see her though, do you? Your head is bent, your eyes on your phone as you absently push her swing.
Talk to her. Tell her about the clouds, Mommy. The Creator who made them. Tickle her tummy when she comes near you and enjoy that baby belly laugh that leaves far too quickly.
Put your eyes back on your prize…Your kids.
Show them that they are the priority. Wherever you are, be ALL there. I am not saying it’s not ok to check in on your phone, but it’s a time-sucker: User Beware!
Play time at the park will be over before you know it.
The childhood of your children will be gone before you know it.
They won’t always want to come to the park with you, Mommy. They won’t always spin and twirl to make their new dress swish, they won’t always call out, “WATCH ME!”
There will come a point when they stop trying, stop calling your name, stop bothering to interrupt your phone time.
Because they know…
You’ve shown them, during all of these moments, that the phone is more important than they are. They see you looking at it at while waiting to pick up brother from school, during playtime, at the dinner table, at bedtime…..
I know that’s not true, Mommy.
I know your heart says differently.
But your kids can’t hear your words, Mommy. Your actions are screaming way too loudly.
May our eyes rest upon those we love, first and foremost, and may everything else fall away in the wonderful, noisy, sticky-fingered glory of it all. ♥
i seriously had a break down. and having it be that time of month does not help.
i love cali. so much. no body will ever know how much i love my child. and what i would do for her. and being the only one to care and take care of her (meaning the only parent...obviously i have alot of family that helps) has given me even more of an attachment to my child as a parent.
i have been going through a depression state again, and a denial stage.
just being alone, with out a companion, with out someone to kiss me good night, with out someone to cuddle me, with out someone to make fun of me and be silly with.
bringing a child into this world with someone you love but doesn't love you enough back is really hard to cope with. i really loved my childs father. i would have done anything for him.
a year and a half has gone by and i think it is finally starting to hit me that, he has changed. alot. he has gone a different path than where i want to go and am going. we will never be together again. and honestly it makes me so sad. i thought he was better than that. i thought he could do it. and go through with all his dreams and plans. i know i deserve something much greater....not just me but cali too! i will not settle. i have been really hurt, and torn apart by this past experience and i have been hurt while i have been trying to recover.
i know that one day something will work out. i will find someone who was ment for me and cali. its just really hard to be patient when i want that right now. when i want to start my life but feel so stuck in the position i am in right now. not that there is anything wrong with living with my aunt and uncle, and being a single mom. i really do love it. but i just want my own place. my own life. not having to worry about other peoples lives interfering with mine. vise versa. i want to be able to parent my child how i want! i love the help im not saying i don't i just want to be the one to tell my child what she can and can't do etc.
anyways, i am going off the radar for awhile...
and what i mean by that is i am going to make it a goal and very high priority goal to only get on the computer when cali is asleep. for either a nap or bedtime.
xoxo
Saturday, April 20, 2013
dark or blonde
im sure we are all sick of hearing about my hair. but i just want to put a picture up of me as a blonde. and then as a brunnette. and later when i get ready i will put one up of what it is now.
Friday, April 19, 2013
so i got my hair done,
not sure if i like it. its really not like either of the pictures i previously posted.
she cut all the nasty dead off, and it feels amazing. she gave me some awesome shampoo and conditioner to try to help get my hair healthy. which yay!! that was much needed. it is blonde, with some high lights and low lights. a more natural blonde. my mom and aunt shelley love it but me....not so much.
i am young. and i feel like i should have super blonde hair. really dark hair. fun hair. crazy hair. always long hair. while im young. i can't pull that off forever. blah. like its pretty and cute. but i wanted it to be more striking or a drastic change. which, it is neither. but i will get it to become healthy and next time i think i will go darker. like the honey wheat color (second picture in previous post) and then not do anything with it until the next summer and i want to go more like the first picture. she also gave me layers when she trimmed all the dead split ends. HATE!!! ive been working on getting my hair one length. but i guess sometimes you have to sacrifice a little to gain a little. :p
but on a happy note, i can't stop running my fingers through my hair. it feels so healthy and soft and perfect.
not sure if i like it. its really not like either of the pictures i previously posted.
she cut all the nasty dead off, and it feels amazing. she gave me some awesome shampoo and conditioner to try to help get my hair healthy. which yay!! that was much needed. it is blonde, with some high lights and low lights. a more natural blonde. my mom and aunt shelley love it but me....not so much.
i am young. and i feel like i should have super blonde hair. really dark hair. fun hair. crazy hair. always long hair. while im young. i can't pull that off forever. blah. like its pretty and cute. but i wanted it to be more striking or a drastic change. which, it is neither. but i will get it to become healthy and next time i think i will go darker. like the honey wheat color (second picture in previous post) and then not do anything with it until the next summer and i want to go more like the first picture. she also gave me layers when she trimmed all the dead split ends. HATE!!! ive been working on getting my hair one length. but i guess sometimes you have to sacrifice a little to gain a little. :p
but on a happy note, i can't stop running my fingers through my hair. it feels so healthy and soft and perfect.
decisions!
why do they have to be so hard?
in a couple of hours i will be off getting my hair done. i can NOT decide what i want. personally i love the blonde. but i can not keep up with it. so i thought about doing something more my natural hair color. but im afraid i will hate it. my sister hayley wants me to go dark dark....:p but summer is right around the corner.
here are some ideas of what i want...
i guess we will just have to see what i do, :] im nervous!!
xoxo
in a couple of hours i will be off getting my hair done. i can NOT decide what i want. personally i love the blonde. but i can not keep up with it. so i thought about doing something more my natural hair color. but im afraid i will hate it. my sister hayley wants me to go dark dark....:p but summer is right around the corner.
here are some ideas of what i want...
in love with this girl (top picture) her hair is so perfect and i love love her blonde. it has some light brown highlights that im loving as well. and this is why i don't want to stray from blonde. plus summer is right around the corner!!
now, i love her hair too. and this is why i want to go more my natural tone. this is very summer and beachy and i love the blonde highlights yet its not super blonde. sunkissed
decisions decisions decisions!!!
which im thee worst at :(
i guess we will just have to see what i do, :] im nervous!!
xoxo
Sunday, April 14, 2013
1 year later...
i know im always talking about how much she is growing up and how crazy it is that it goes by so fast. this has been almost exactly a year. and you can just see how much she has changed. she is turning into a little girl.
she talks so much. half the time its just gibberish and she thinks she is saying something. her favorite word is no! probably because thats all she hears. she loves to get into everything that she shouldn't. she understands a lot. ill tell her to do something, like put her toys away and she does it. she loves to cuddle, which mommy is always happy about. she loves getting her toes painted, playing outside in the sun. she loves to color and play with big kids.
i took her out to logandale for the fair earlier this weekend. she enjoyed it. they had concerts, animals, carnival, food and lots more. cali had fun dancing, petting the animals and being with mommy.
cali does this new thing where she hugs everyone. which is kind of weird because she has never really been affectionate towards anyone, not really even me. but for the past month she has just been giving so many hugs and is now giving mommy kisses. she also does this little whine, its hard to explain it through writing, but its this total fake poor me whine. so when she does it ill say oh cali whats the matter and she will come to me and hug me and ill make sure she is okay, give her a kiss and then she will be totally fine and go off and play. she loves barbies and dolls. and she always wants me to give them kisses. i love it and i love how girlie she is.
she has strawberry blonde hair, like my dad when he was younger. its really pretty and i can't wait for it to get long. i love putting clips in it, and doing her hair curly. cutest ever!!
she loves bath time. i usually give her one right before bed but she just loves to be in the bath. this summer will be so much fun playing in the swimming pool.
hmm, what else. there are so many things that she does ill update here if i can think of more.
xo xo ASHLEY
Saturday, April 13, 2013
before i go to sleep,
this is my thought process...
why do i want to be married so bad? im only 20. there is no rush.
but yet i find myself looking constantly for a husband. even when i don't mean too.
HELP! :(
any advice?? post anonymously,
why do i want to be married so bad? im only 20. there is no rush.
but yet i find myself looking constantly for a husband. even when i don't mean too.
HELP! :(
any advice?? post anonymously,
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
my phone
is seriously a piece of poop.
and i am retarded ;]
i was talking to my friend on the phone last night and he wanted to talk to my cousin. so i went to hand her my phone, it slipped, and went right into my bowl of milk (cause my cereal was gone) splash! all over the computer next to me, and the papers on the table, and across the table on calis face. we were laughing so hard because it was funny.
but now im phone less :/ i actually really love it and i would love to not get another phone but i have to for work. blah. sucks.
i feel so naked with out my phone and i hate that. i don't want to be so into my phone like that. i need to work on that a lot.
i watched the cma awards,
speachless. i want a cowboy. who can sing. i want george straight. and tim mcgraw. and garth brookes. in that order. seriously! they are beautiful.
also, i miss shailee so much. i bought cali a card to send her. cali put lots of stickers all over it and drew her a picture. so cute. someday.
xo xo
and i am retarded ;]
i was talking to my friend on the phone last night and he wanted to talk to my cousin. so i went to hand her my phone, it slipped, and went right into my bowl of milk (cause my cereal was gone) splash! all over the computer next to me, and the papers on the table, and across the table on calis face. we were laughing so hard because it was funny.
but now im phone less :/ i actually really love it and i would love to not get another phone but i have to for work. blah. sucks.
i feel so naked with out my phone and i hate that. i don't want to be so into my phone like that. i need to work on that a lot.
i watched the cma awards,
speachless. i want a cowboy. who can sing. i want george straight. and tim mcgraw. and garth brookes. in that order. seriously! they are beautiful.
also, i miss shailee so much. i bought cali a card to send her. cali put lots of stickers all over it and drew her a picture. so cute. someday.
xo xo
Friday, April 5, 2013
bf?
the best medicine for a break up is another boyfriend:
goodness, it has been almost a year and a half since i have been in a relationship and i am still so torn up about it. last summer i was doing really well. i moved to Las Vegas and kind of distanced myself completely from calvin. he was doing summer sales, partying and having fun. being young. which made things a lot easier for me because he wasn't trying to contact me. i was trying to get my life together and make a new start for Cali and i. i did really good staying strong! i don't know what happened. we started talking again and i thought maybe just maybe things could work i guess. ive dated others since than, been on lots of dates, but no relationships. im just ready to love somebody again. i want to find someone i enjoy being with, and have fun being with, but also someone i can be serious with. i need a mature man because i do have a baby. and that is a big deal to a lot of people. ive dated guys where they love kids and they want kids but then we date and kind of get close, it freaks them out and they run away. its not easy to love someone elses child like your own. i would know. but i also know that it is possible. i loved calvins other baby girl like my own. still do.whats holding me back? i don't want to put cali through that. yes i want a boyfriend. but no i don't want anything serious right now. i want to be in a relationship but i don't want it to progress to marriage. i want something not permanent at this time in my life, but i do want to enjoy someone elses company. it would be nice to not always talk baby talk lol ;] so in other words, i don't want to bring someone into cali's life knowing that they wont be there forever and i don't want to confuse her.
confusing? yeah ha i think i just confused myself.
my spill for the night. having a hard night coping with the past and not having things work out the way i wish they would have.
xo xo
cali pooped in the toilet!
yay!!
i had just gotten her out of the bath and she squatted down. i could tell that she was trying to poop. i was like ahh nooooo! so i picked her up and put her on the toilet. and she pooped. :] i was so happy!! hopefully she starts understanding that she needs to poop in the toilet all the time. im a proud mama, and she got a treat! i love her!! ahh. i honestly do not know what i would do with out this little girl.
xo xo
ADVANCING
is such a great feeling. expanding myself at work. learning more. doing well.
when i first started working it was so hard not to give up. i had ZERO experience. i had so much anxiety and didn't feel adequate for the job. i even wished that sometimes i would get in a car wreck on my way to work just so i didn't have to go. but i kept going, and enduring every day and it has paid off so much. i have been working at my job for 8 months now. and i finally feel like i am getting it down and finally an asset to the office. i am so grateful for the awesome Dr. i work for and his patience to teach me and help me learn and grow. i love my job. and it is only going to get better the more i learn and feel comfortable with the things i do.
i am a single mother. i do not receive child support or help from my child's father. i do it all by myself. this job has helped me do that. i still live with family but my goal is to continue to learn at my job for another year and get my own place. and then i want to move back to utah, and start furthering my education to be a hygienist.
i finally got a raise.
and i am so happy. knowing that going every day and not giving up has paid off more and more. i just feel so accomplished, yet i know there is still a lot more room to advance, grow and hopefully a lot more raises to come.
xo xo
ASHLEY
when i first started working it was so hard not to give up. i had ZERO experience. i had so much anxiety and didn't feel adequate for the job. i even wished that sometimes i would get in a car wreck on my way to work just so i didn't have to go. but i kept going, and enduring every day and it has paid off so much. i have been working at my job for 8 months now. and i finally feel like i am getting it down and finally an asset to the office. i am so grateful for the awesome Dr. i work for and his patience to teach me and help me learn and grow. i love my job. and it is only going to get better the more i learn and feel comfortable with the things i do.
i am a single mother. i do not receive child support or help from my child's father. i do it all by myself. this job has helped me do that. i still live with family but my goal is to continue to learn at my job for another year and get my own place. and then i want to move back to utah, and start furthering my education to be a hygienist.
i finally got a raise.
and i am so happy. knowing that going every day and not giving up has paid off more and more. i just feel so accomplished, yet i know there is still a lot more room to advance, grow and hopefully a lot more raises to come.
xo xo
ASHLEY
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