how one day you feel one way and the next day is the complete opposite.
.sigh. the joys of being a female ;]
as crazy as this sounds,
i think i have found the one that im supposed to spend the rest of my life with. not even supposed to...i want to spend the rest of eternity with this individual. his views on this life just amaze me. and i want to be with someone who just loves life and is so positive and a hard worker. he is. i want someone who is going to help me become a better individual myself and someone who really loves me and my daughter. im confident that he does and is that person.
when i think about him, or talk to him i just get this feeling in my heart that just radiates out into the universe. love. just dispersing to the world around me. its the most amazing feeling that i don't want to go away.
it truly amazes me that yesterday i wasn't ready to be married. or settle down. although in the back of my mind i want to be ready and i want a husband. but then today i want to be with this guy i barely know, but i know its right. and i know its right to follow my heart. im taking chances. im taking this chance. because this has potential to lead me to the happiness that i have been seeking.
i had to write about this because i want to look back and see that i was right :)
xoxo
Friday, May 24, 2013
Thursday, May 23, 2013
second job
yay! working at 2 offices. my first priority is dr dalleys. but i got this second job just helping lighten the load for this other office and learning the end of the day things so i can let the other girls go home early. im excited because 1. its totally different than the office i am at right now 2. more experience 3. obvious more money and 4. more hours!!!
im just excited to expand my knowledge in what i want to do.
the office that i am currently at is so easy. we like don't do anything. everything is just so simple. and i don't think that we really follow the hippa? laws. but i don't know.
and than this new office that i will be working 4-6 every day that im not working at the other office. its pretty old school but i am really excited to just learn! and be confident. the new dr. Dr. Prince. is so very nice. he just told me not to worry. that ive just got to do things over and over again and ill get it. and that it isn't an easy job but just keep at it and that i can do it. i know ive said it like 10 times now but im excited. but it is going to be hard. especially working from 7:45-6 monday through thursday. i have to be away from cali for like 10 hours a day and you have no idea how hard that is going to be on me. but i do have to look at the up side of not always working everyday and having time off. and i always have fridays and the weekend off. yay! and ill be getting a little more money and then cali and i can go and do some fun things every once in awhile! i can't wait.
totally changing the subject. why does this world have to be so scary? someone knocked on my door a little while ago and i was to scared to answer it. i am so afraid of being kidnapped or hurt or rapped or killed. so i just decided that im not expecting company and im not going to answer it. but now im super curious to who it was. i looked out the peep hole when it was to late :p
jean brown research is doing breast augmentations in there study. i signed up and they are going to call me or email me to see if i qualify. im a little nervous. i got my wisdom teeth out through them. and that was horrible! i mean i got paid and its was fine but it sucked at the same time. so it makes me a little nervous to get a breast implants!! and even if they aren't big they are something!!! more than i have now and im totally willing to do it for free until i can save an pay for my own.
so even though i am struggling a little bit and i am going to be working more i am so grateful.
im grateful for my heavenly father who watches over me and who has answered my prayers and has given me everything that i DO have. im grateful for the opportunities that i have been given. im grateful for cali and for being a mother. im grateful that i am healthy and can take care of my child. and im grateful for the law of attraction and positive vibes and positive attitudes. im just full of so much gratitude right now. i couldn't be where i am today with out thinking i had it all, and then hitting bottom and working my way back up. and even though i have never hit complete rock bottom, i never will. but i have been close. and with cali being the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow i never will get to that point. we are moving forward and we are going to keep climbing to the top.
from cali:
.kkm
3.xxhj 5
0
1.31
.0
0
000000001052000..2
21000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
00074;00
00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 25111 1
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\3.0...00000000000000000000
0600.0000000000000.0020..00lll;1235
1223..
00/.
my 5 fav songs right now:
(of coarse all slow lol)
1. he didn't have to be - brad paisley
2. anywhere but here - chris cagle
3. one of these days - tim mcgraw
4. mr. right - mikey vanbrakel
5. ill walk - bucky covington
im just excited to expand my knowledge in what i want to do.
the office that i am currently at is so easy. we like don't do anything. everything is just so simple. and i don't think that we really follow the hippa? laws. but i don't know.
and than this new office that i will be working 4-6 every day that im not working at the other office. its pretty old school but i am really excited to just learn! and be confident. the new dr. Dr. Prince. is so very nice. he just told me not to worry. that ive just got to do things over and over again and ill get it. and that it isn't an easy job but just keep at it and that i can do it. i know ive said it like 10 times now but im excited. but it is going to be hard. especially working from 7:45-6 monday through thursday. i have to be away from cali for like 10 hours a day and you have no idea how hard that is going to be on me. but i do have to look at the up side of not always working everyday and having time off. and i always have fridays and the weekend off. yay! and ill be getting a little more money and then cali and i can go and do some fun things every once in awhile! i can't wait.
totally changing the subject. why does this world have to be so scary? someone knocked on my door a little while ago and i was to scared to answer it. i am so afraid of being kidnapped or hurt or rapped or killed. so i just decided that im not expecting company and im not going to answer it. but now im super curious to who it was. i looked out the peep hole when it was to late :p
jean brown research is doing breast augmentations in there study. i signed up and they are going to call me or email me to see if i qualify. im a little nervous. i got my wisdom teeth out through them. and that was horrible! i mean i got paid and its was fine but it sucked at the same time. so it makes me a little nervous to get a breast implants!! and even if they aren't big they are something!!! more than i have now and im totally willing to do it for free until i can save an pay for my own.
so even though i am struggling a little bit and i am going to be working more i am so grateful.
im grateful for my heavenly father who watches over me and who has answered my prayers and has given me everything that i DO have. im grateful for the opportunities that i have been given. im grateful for cali and for being a mother. im grateful that i am healthy and can take care of my child. and im grateful for the law of attraction and positive vibes and positive attitudes. im just full of so much gratitude right now. i couldn't be where i am today with out thinking i had it all, and then hitting bottom and working my way back up. and even though i have never hit complete rock bottom, i never will. but i have been close. and with cali being the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow i never will get to that point. we are moving forward and we are going to keep climbing to the top.
from cali:
.kkm
3.xxhj 5
0
1.31
.0
0
000000001052000..2
21000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
00074;00
00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 25111 1
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\3.0...00000000000000000000
0600.0000000000000.0020..00lll;1235
1223..
00/.
my 5 fav songs right now:
(of coarse all slow lol)
1. he didn't have to be - brad paisley
2. anywhere but here - chris cagle
3. one of these days - tim mcgraw
4. mr. right - mikey vanbrakel
5. ill walk - bucky covington
Saturday, May 18, 2013
so ive felt alot better today. i think that heavenly father is hearing my prayers, and finally starting to answer them and give me hope.
my dad apologized for making me sad.
he said: "sorry again for making you sad. your doing a great job taking care of cali. im proud of you. love you both."
it made me very happy. its good to know that he is proud of me cause i really do try hard. and thats all i wanted to hear.
cali fell asleep a little early. she didn't quite get a full nap today. we were sitting on the couch watching beauty and the beast and she fell asleep. so instead of putting her in my bed, i put her in her crib. night #1. hopefully we can continuously do this.
ive also decided that i can't write about goals or things i want to do until after they are done. lol. getting cali to sleep in her crib...fail. 30 day challenge...fail. success in finding my other half...fail. haaha but seriously. also ive been addicted to my phone again. so i will write this one down because that is one that i really do need to work on. cali is more important to me than my stupid phone. i need to give her my full attention. cause i miss little things that matter when my face is stuck to the screen.
doc tried hooking me up with this guy out from logandale. lol ill have to write about that later. but we have been talking. and its been fun :)
good night fans.
xoxo
my dad apologized for making me sad.
he said: "sorry again for making you sad. your doing a great job taking care of cali. im proud of you. love you both."
it made me very happy. its good to know that he is proud of me cause i really do try hard. and thats all i wanted to hear.
cali fell asleep a little early. she didn't quite get a full nap today. we were sitting on the couch watching beauty and the beast and she fell asleep. so instead of putting her in my bed, i put her in her crib. night #1. hopefully we can continuously do this.
ive also decided that i can't write about goals or things i want to do until after they are done. lol. getting cali to sleep in her crib...fail. 30 day challenge...fail. success in finding my other half...fail. haaha but seriously. also ive been addicted to my phone again. so i will write this one down because that is one that i really do need to work on. cali is more important to me than my stupid phone. i need to give her my full attention. cause i miss little things that matter when my face is stuck to the screen.
doc tried hooking me up with this guy out from logandale. lol ill have to write about that later. but we have been talking. and its been fun :)
good night fans.
xoxo
Friday, May 17, 2013
Having a hard day.
Talked to my dad and kind of had a reality check. Which is never fun.
I feel like a loser. I dont make a ton of money at my job and i only work about 15 hrs a week. We are a slow paced office and we take a lot of time with our patients. Plus we are on the more expensive side. My dr. really is good.
Its just hard when your doing it alone. I feel like i try so hard at everything and i can never please my dad . He really is the greatest and i know he just wants to see me happy and succeed, but im doing what i can.
I wanted to take a trip up to utah for the 4th of july and have some fun with cali, so i called my dad and said lets do something. He thought it was a good idea but then told me that i cant keep taking vacations up to utah all the time. I should be saving my money. And i shouldnt be doing these things when i dont live out on my own. And it sucks because i know he is right. But i really hate my life. And the only good thing in it is cali. And i just want to be with her all the time.
My dad was a single dad and not only had one kid, but two! He worked his butt off. but we never got to see him. he just worked all the time or he was tired. And i dont want to work my life away. I dont want to get a second job and never see cali. Im all cali has and it breaks my heart to not be with her. and i don't want her to think im boring.
My dad is a great guy...you will honestly never find anyone like him.
I just have issues and dont feel good enough for anything. I struggle with that big time. And right now yeah im hurt calvin didnt love me enough to want to be with me, cali and shailee. Yeah im sad that he changed and wanted to go the party route, be selfish and abandon us. Yeah im hurt and sad that he wasnt the man he started out as, or i thought he was...
But now under my circumstance, im sad that he doesnt pay child support. He doesnt help with cali. He doesnt want anything to do with her. and it hurts. Its one thing with me, but not this little girl.
Its hard doing it all by yourself. I still live with family members. Which is not easy. I have one person telling me to do one thing and another telling me the complete opposite. Why does this have to be so hard?
And when you know what would be best for you and your daughter but you dont have money to do that!! Or the strength to do what you need to.
Why is it always about money? I hate it.
Im highly considering becoming a stripper...seriously why not!?!?
All i have done is ball my eyes out. This world is scary.
And the thought of i need a husband keeps going through my mind. But i know im not ready. And therefore ive got to do it alone. So i should probably quit complaining about how hard my life is when people have it twice as hard as i do. I just hate struggling and not getting ahead.
Law of attraction:
I am a creator!
My thoughts become things!!!
<3
Xoxo
Talked to my dad and kind of had a reality check. Which is never fun.
I feel like a loser. I dont make a ton of money at my job and i only work about 15 hrs a week. We are a slow paced office and we take a lot of time with our patients. Plus we are on the more expensive side. My dr. really is good.
Its just hard when your doing it alone. I feel like i try so hard at everything and i can never please my dad . He really is the greatest and i know he just wants to see me happy and succeed, but im doing what i can.
I wanted to take a trip up to utah for the 4th of july and have some fun with cali, so i called my dad and said lets do something. He thought it was a good idea but then told me that i cant keep taking vacations up to utah all the time. I should be saving my money. And i shouldnt be doing these things when i dont live out on my own. And it sucks because i know he is right. But i really hate my life. And the only good thing in it is cali. And i just want to be with her all the time.
My dad was a single dad and not only had one kid, but two! He worked his butt off. but we never got to see him. he just worked all the time or he was tired. And i dont want to work my life away. I dont want to get a second job and never see cali. Im all cali has and it breaks my heart to not be with her. and i don't want her to think im boring.
My dad is a great guy...you will honestly never find anyone like him.
I just have issues and dont feel good enough for anything. I struggle with that big time. And right now yeah im hurt calvin didnt love me enough to want to be with me, cali and shailee. Yeah im sad that he changed and wanted to go the party route, be selfish and abandon us. Yeah im hurt and sad that he wasnt the man he started out as, or i thought he was...
But now under my circumstance, im sad that he doesnt pay child support. He doesnt help with cali. He doesnt want anything to do with her. and it hurts. Its one thing with me, but not this little girl.
Its hard doing it all by yourself. I still live with family members. Which is not easy. I have one person telling me to do one thing and another telling me the complete opposite. Why does this have to be so hard?
And when you know what would be best for you and your daughter but you dont have money to do that!! Or the strength to do what you need to.
Why is it always about money? I hate it.
Im highly considering becoming a stripper...seriously why not!?!?
All i have done is ball my eyes out. This world is scary.
And the thought of i need a husband keeps going through my mind. But i know im not ready. And therefore ive got to do it alone. So i should probably quit complaining about how hard my life is when people have it twice as hard as i do. I just hate struggling and not getting ahead.
Law of attraction:
I am a creator!
My thoughts become things!!!
<3
Xoxo
Saturday, May 11, 2013
30 day challenge
I live in las vegas where the weather is already super nice and pool worthy. everyone knows i love taking pictures because i take a million all the time. we took pictures this last time at the pool and as i was reviewing them i wanted to throw up! i know im not fat and im not saying i am. but geez im just flabby, like skin is just there. no muscle. not a fan! summer is pretty much here or right around the corner. and i can't stand the way my body is. plus i have horrendous stretch marks from my pregnancy to add to how i look/feel. so thats why im going to try to do this challenge.
i want to feel good about wearing a bikini.
its time to tighten up my body :D cant wait. i will be posting before and after pictures in 30 days!
todays work out:
15 sit ups
5 crunches
5 leg raises
10s plank
along with these, i am going to do calf raises and this butt work out that idk what its called lol. and im going to do as many as i can of those each day.
wish me luck
xoxo
Friday, May 10, 2013
Lets just say i havent started cali on a schedule. Im not quite prepared. So im going to enjoy this weekend snuggeling with her at night and waking up to her cute face and kisses in the morning.
This morning i woke up to her giving me kisses. Omg it brought tears to my eyes.
Cali has thee most nastiest ripest farts, lol...
Although tomatoes are her absolute fav, i dont think she can eat them anymore. They make her tummy hurt and give her the sickest diapers ever.
Xoxo
This morning i woke up to her giving me kisses. Omg it brought tears to my eyes.
Cali has thee most nastiest ripest farts, lol...
Although tomatoes are her absolute fav, i dont think she can eat them anymore. They make her tummy hurt and give her the sickest diapers ever.
Xoxo
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
so last night i decided that i was going to let cali sleep in her own bed last night.
it definitely has been so hard to not let her sleep with me. i love to snuggle with her and i feel like bed time is my time with her. we get to bond and be together with no one interfering. just mommy and me time.
well, i made her a bottle and told her to go get in bed. she went straight to our room but instead of going to her bed, she went to mine. when i got in there i told he, no cali, you are a big girl. your going to sleep in your own bed tonight. i layed her in her crib, gave her her bottle. she was not happy at all. she started freaking out. but i left the room.
she cried and cried and cried. and i knew she was okay and just was having anxiety from me leaving. which is even better that i have decided to do this now than later. she needs to learn to self sooth. i used to make her sleep in her own crib and she always did so well. and then that one time and then the next of letting her sleep with me, took her away from being independent in that way.
so my goal is to have her wanting to sleep in her own bed by next weekend for sure.
i am going to develop a nightly routine. im not positive quite yet what i want to do.
but i did get a few advice options i could do.
last night was really difficult. she cried so hard. and so i decided to only let her cry for 5/10 min. and then i would go get her. the next night id let her cry a little longer and than go get her.
thats kind of my game plan as of right now. eventually she will get to know that bed time means sleeping in her own bed and she will learn to self sooth and become a little more independent in that way.
i love her so much though!! she is so much fun and understands a lot of things i tell her.
its such an amazing feeling when you teach your child something and think its going in one ear and out the other but later on, when you see your child doing what you taught them, there is a sense of accomplishment. its such a wonderful feeling.
i hate leaving her for work. im a mother. and although its nice to get away and have a break every now and than i want to stay home and be with her. she is so precious to me and my love for her grows and grows every day. she is exactly what i needed in my life. and i couldn't be more happy right now.!!
switching topics here: (like how i do that alot?)
this blog sucks. i originally made it for calvin, my babies father. he left to Oklahoma last spring and i made this so we wouldnt have to talk and he could just check up on cali through my blog. how stupid was i? ha boys don't sit and look at blogs. lol. but then it became fun. and then it was dumb. then i was going to have it be a journal kind of thing. which, for the most part it has been. about calvin. and the joys, happiness and also the struggles i am going through being a single mother...
possibly hoping i can encourage the younger generation who look up to me to NOT get pregnant no matter how nice the guy is or how much he loves you UNTIL your married. and that was my mistake. calvin was awesome and really was great but he changed, as do most people. guys aren't done growing emotionally at this age. (16-25 ill say) they are still finding out who they are. as are all of us. but girls/women become alot more mature quicker. thats just cause we are awesome ;)
one more little side thing: having a baby seriously is awesome. and so is being a mother. but it sucks doing it alone. and i know some of you are thinking, well i can do it on my own...this girl can so i know i can. well good for you and you probably can do it alone. but it is not fun. all the little milestones that your child progresses too, and takes, its nice to share those accomplishments with someone special. with someone you love. and that loves you and your baby/children. and you may think you are the exception and he is going to marry you and love you no matter what and be with you forever and ever and your going to life happily ever after. and im here to tell you your wrong. i thought i was the exception. but really i was just the back up. that wasn't ment to last. it hurts. and its not fun. so my advice is just be married before you have kids! im not saying don't have sex but just wait to reproduce until you are with the one and only...your other half.
anyways,
xoxo <3
it definitely has been so hard to not let her sleep with me. i love to snuggle with her and i feel like bed time is my time with her. we get to bond and be together with no one interfering. just mommy and me time.
well, i made her a bottle and told her to go get in bed. she went straight to our room but instead of going to her bed, she went to mine. when i got in there i told he, no cali, you are a big girl. your going to sleep in your own bed tonight. i layed her in her crib, gave her her bottle. she was not happy at all. she started freaking out. but i left the room.
she cried and cried and cried. and i knew she was okay and just was having anxiety from me leaving. which is even better that i have decided to do this now than later. she needs to learn to self sooth. i used to make her sleep in her own crib and she always did so well. and then that one time and then the next of letting her sleep with me, took her away from being independent in that way.
so my goal is to have her wanting to sleep in her own bed by next weekend for sure.
i am going to develop a nightly routine. im not positive quite yet what i want to do.
but i did get a few advice options i could do.
last night was really difficult. she cried so hard. and so i decided to only let her cry for 5/10 min. and then i would go get her. the next night id let her cry a little longer and than go get her.
thats kind of my game plan as of right now. eventually she will get to know that bed time means sleeping in her own bed and she will learn to self sooth and become a little more independent in that way.
i love her so much though!! she is so much fun and understands a lot of things i tell her.
its such an amazing feeling when you teach your child something and think its going in one ear and out the other but later on, when you see your child doing what you taught them, there is a sense of accomplishment. its such a wonderful feeling.
i hate leaving her for work. im a mother. and although its nice to get away and have a break every now and than i want to stay home and be with her. she is so precious to me and my love for her grows and grows every day. she is exactly what i needed in my life. and i couldn't be more happy right now.!!
switching topics here: (like how i do that alot?)
this blog sucks. i originally made it for calvin, my babies father. he left to Oklahoma last spring and i made this so we wouldnt have to talk and he could just check up on cali through my blog. how stupid was i? ha boys don't sit and look at blogs. lol. but then it became fun. and then it was dumb. then i was going to have it be a journal kind of thing. which, for the most part it has been. about calvin. and the joys, happiness and also the struggles i am going through being a single mother...
possibly hoping i can encourage the younger generation who look up to me to NOT get pregnant no matter how nice the guy is or how much he loves you UNTIL your married. and that was my mistake. calvin was awesome and really was great but he changed, as do most people. guys aren't done growing emotionally at this age. (16-25 ill say) they are still finding out who they are. as are all of us. but girls/women become alot more mature quicker. thats just cause we are awesome ;)
one more little side thing: having a baby seriously is awesome. and so is being a mother. but it sucks doing it alone. and i know some of you are thinking, well i can do it on my own...this girl can so i know i can. well good for you and you probably can do it alone. but it is not fun. all the little milestones that your child progresses too, and takes, its nice to share those accomplishments with someone special. with someone you love. and that loves you and your baby/children. and you may think you are the exception and he is going to marry you and love you no matter what and be with you forever and ever and your going to life happily ever after. and im here to tell you your wrong. i thought i was the exception. but really i was just the back up. that wasn't ment to last. it hurts. and its not fun. so my advice is just be married before you have kids! im not saying don't have sex but just wait to reproduce until you are with the one and only...your other half.
anyways,
xoxo <3
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