this is long and probably shouldnt be on the internet. very personal.

Where to even start. Im sick to my stomach. I feel like vomiting everywhere. im hurt and broken hearted. You would think that once youve had your heart broken once, twice, three times, it couldnt break anymore. Well guess what...it can, and it does. And it hurts just as bad as the first time.

Calvin has been wanting to sign his rights over for cali and shailee. I always felt like calvin would sign his rights over for cali but not shailee because he loves shailee more. And i have always felt that he had loved shailee more. (which made me resent calvin not shailee)an which at times he has admitted.
Anyways. Calvin came to me and brought to my knowlege that he wanted to sign his rights over for cali. I was taken back at first. I thought. About it and told him exactly this, (exact text):

"Im not going to go along with your decision Calvin. We will have to take it to court and let them decide. You are completely capable of being responsible and on my part I'm not letting you get away that easy. So that being said, I wish you the very best of luck with everything. And I truly mean that."

When i was dating a certain guy, i had pushed calvin to sign his rights over. At the time i thought it would be the best thing for everyone. But we stopped dating,calvin and i got closer, and my decision had changed. I thought it would be the best for cali to have her dad. And hopefully she could motivate him to be there for her. Anyways, as ive thought about it, i. Came to the conclusion that i didnt make cali alone. Calvin and i both knew what we were doing. Yet im the only parent who has been there for cali emotionally and physically. I have had to give up my social fun life because i have her 24.7. I dont get every other weekend off. I dont have someone helping me buy diapers and wipes every month. Or someone helping me pay for a babysitter.
Knowing calvin, the lifestyle he is living, and tbe way he is now, i would not want my daughter to be around that. But i am not letting calvin off the hook. I dont care if that child support debt stacks up for the whole 18 years. Calvin needs to start being responsible and one day he will have to. he cant get a loan untill he pays. And soon his license will be revoked. And if he gets far enough into debt he goes to jail.
My step grandma had to pay child support for my step dad. She is in he 50's and STILL paying child support. It never goes away.
He wants to sign his rights over so we can go our seperate ways. Well sorry dude. We are and can go our seperate ways but your still paying child support :)

I have been sobing all night.
I know calvin and i will never get married and that fine. We both have decided we want different things out of life. And even though i still love him and i have a very strong attachment with him doesnt mean i want to marry him. even though he thinks i do.
What hurts me the most is how he is with cali. I know he loves her...but he really has a weird (lack of a better word)way of showing it.
Im honestly very shocked, but calvin signed his rights over for shailee. Hence,
He got a tattoo today...

I think its great but i thought wow. I know who you favor/love more. And you know what he told me? I never want to forget shailee.

I said so what? What about cali you want to forget her? He said if i let him sign his rights over he will get calis name on his other wrist. Omg!!! This isnt a bbribery. He seriously was trying to bribe me wiyh that. Idiot. 

 Exact convo:

(He sent me the pic of his tattoo)

me: 

nice cal...

Very obvious who you love more.

calvin: 

I love Cali too, I just never want to forget Shai

me: 

But cali. You make no sense.

And you can't watch cali, and you can neglect her and not watch her but if it were Shai you would be all over it. It's true isn't it.

me:
No I love both of my daughters
Its just hard right now

me:
but one more than the other. Idc you made that decision. Not cali. Yet cali has to suffer. You should have got both of them and not just one. That hurts MY feelings. I can't imagine how cali would feel.
And from an outsiders point of view you do favor one over the other and it's always been that way.

Calvin:
Then let me sign my rights over so you can move on...

Me:
No. Your not getting away that easy with me you piece of f**s***! Your horrible.
[Bleeped out the language. I wa mad/hurt]

Calvin:
K

Me:
And I'm going to keep letting your debt in child support stack up! Have a Nice life . Because karma is a b****.

calvin:
It goes both ways

Me:
i've done nothing but give you opportunities Calvin. And you know that. So in this case it only goes one way.

Calvin:
If you are done with me then why shouldn't I sign my rights over?? Now you aren't making sense

Me:
Because i dont have a back up dad like jordan did. Your calis dad. And im the only one suffering being responsible. Im not letting you sign them over beCause I WANT YOUR MONEY!!! For cali. You knew what you were doing. I didnt make her alone.

Calvin:
Well find a new dad for Cali, I don't wanna be a dick but I'm not gonna marry you, find someone else and move on we should go our separate ways

Me:
Calvin I don't want to marry you!!! I know that and I've told you that. this isn't about you and me. Its about you and cali! And trust me I've tried to find someone Calvin. They all leave because I have a kid. And we can go or separate ways and you can forget about Cali but you will pay for what you have done. She knows who you are. So if you want to do that to her go right ahead. Your not getting out of m child support.
:)


If calvin didnt want to be a dad he should have never slept with me. Things happen...and again if he didnt want to be a dad, he should never have put his name on the birth certificate. He was given the choice if he wanted to be on there or not.
No sympathy from me.

Timeto be a bitch :)