my child

is the number one most important thing in my life.
for the past couple of weeks/months, i have really noticed how in tuned i am with the computer and my phone. i am constantly on my phone. always checking facebook, emails, texting, taking pictures and then editing them.
since a couple of weeks ago when i dropped my phone in a bowl of milk, i felt a sense of relief come off my shoulders and it helped me realize how much time i spent on my phone and not with my daughter. but also since i have been phone less, i have spent even MORE time on the computer...trying not to miss my social life on the internet. pathetic. looking back on the past couple of months and weeks i can recall cali trying to pull me away from the computer to cuddle her, or play with her. as i am trying not to bawl my eyes writing this because i feel like a horrible mother for not spending as much time with my child as i should be and spending more time on this dang computer. i feel like just in the past couple of weeks/months i have missed out on so much of my baby already.
when calis dad decided he didn't want to be apart of our lives anymore, it left me to be a single parent.  so when i took on the role of being a single mother i definitely was given a much bigger responsibility to be there for my child. and i have lacked in that area greatly.

(cali is taking a nap while i write all of this btw.)
i was just on facebook and this story on my newsfeed caught my eye...

Dear Mom On the iPhone,
I see you over there on the bench, messing on your iPhone. It feels good to relax a little while your kids have fun in the sunshine, doesn’t it? You are doing a great job with your kids, you work hard, you teach them manners, have them do their chores.
But Mom, let me tell you what you don’t see right now…..
Your little girl is spinning round and round, making her dress twirl. She is such a little beauty queen already, the sun shining behind her long hair. She keeps glancing your way to see if you are watching her.
You aren’t.
Your little boy keeps shouting, “Mom, MOM watch this!” I see you acknowledge him, barely glancing his way.
He sees that too. His shoulders slump, but only for a moment, as he finds the next cool thing to do.
Now you are pushing your baby in the swing. She loves it! Cooing and smiling with every push. You don’t see her though, do you? Your head is bent, your eyes on your phone as you absently push her swing.
Talk to her. Tell her about the clouds, Mommy. The Creator who made them. Tickle her tummy when she comes near you and enjoy that baby belly laugh that leaves far too quickly.
Put your eyes back on your prize…Your kids.
Show them that they are the priority. Wherever you are, be ALL there. I am not saying it’s not ok to check in on your phone, but it’s a time-sucker: User Beware!
Play time at the park will be over before you know it.
The childhood of your children will be gone before you know it.
They won’t always want to come to the park with you, Mommy. They won’t always spin and twirl to make their new dress swish, they won’t always call out, “WATCH ME!”
There will come a point when they stop trying, stop calling your name, stop bothering to interrupt your phone time.
Because they know…
You’ve shown them, during all of these moments, that the phone is more important than they are. They see you looking at it at while waiting to pick up brother from school, during playtime, at the dinner table, at bedtime…..
I know that’s not true, Mommy.
I know your heart says differently.
But your kids can’t hear your words, Mommy. Your actions are screaming way too loudly.

May our eyes rest upon those we love, first and foremost, and may everything else fall away in the wonderful, noisy, sticky-fingered glory of it all. ♥

i seriously had a break down. and having it be that time of month does not help.
i love cali. so much. no body will ever know how much i love my child. and what i would do for her. and being the only one to care and take care of her (meaning the only parent...obviously i have alot of family that helps) has given me even more of an attachment to my child as a parent. 

i have been going through a depression state again, and a denial stage. 
just being alone, with out a companion, with out someone to kiss me good night, with out someone to cuddle me, with out someone to make fun of me and be silly with. 
bringing a child into this world with someone you love but doesn't love you enough back is really hard to cope with. i really loved my childs father. i would have done anything for him.
a year and a half has gone by and i think it is finally starting to hit me that, he has changed. alot. he has gone a different path than where i want to go and am going. we will never be together again. and honestly it makes me so sad. i thought he was better than that. i thought he could do it. and go through with all his dreams and plans. i know i deserve something much greater....not just me but cali too! i will not settle. i have been really hurt, and torn apart by this past experience and i have been hurt while i have been trying to recover. 

i know that one day something will work out. i will find someone who was ment for me and cali. its just really hard to be patient when i want that right now. when i want to start my life but feel so stuck in the position i am in right now. not that there is anything wrong with living with my aunt and uncle, and being a single mom. i really do love it. but i just want my own place. my own life. not having to worry about other peoples lives interfering with mine. vise versa. i want to be able to parent my child how i want! i love the help im not saying i don't i just want to be the one to tell my child what she can and can't do etc. 

anyways, i am going off the radar for awhile...
and what i mean by that is i am going to make it a goal and very high priority goal to only get on the computer when cali is asleep. for either a nap or bedtime. 

xoxo