And i should say this...i still love who he used to be. And i dont know why i cant let it go. No matter how hard i try and honestly truely want to let it go, it somehow finds its way back into my heart/brain/life!!
And it always ends up hurting me when i knew it would in the first place. He was my best friend. And i would have done anything for him. And to watch him go down this path he has chooosen is so hard for me because i know he is much better than that. And this kid has so much potential. So much.
But yet i have seen him have it all, to slowly losing his friends, his car, and now his family one by one.
I have tried to be there to encourage him. To help motivate him to do his best. But thats really hard to do when someone is lazy. You cant change lazy. You cant help lazy.
Do i just try letting it go again?
Yes of coarse! Im sure that what your all thinking. Its alot easier said than done. And i really wantthese feelings to go away. And sometimes itfeels like they do. But they always endup coming back. I cant even explain the way my heart feels. It honestly feels like its aching. Sometimes ready to burst.
I know i have a place in someones heart. And i just want to be there. I want to give the love i have to offer to someone who will appreiate it.
I hate being alone.and i hope this isnt a trial where i have to be content with being single before i can be content being with someone.
Its hard in my situation too because i have a chold. . I dont want to bring these guys in and out of her life and let her thinkthats okay.
Well why dont i get my dating in every other weekene when her dad has her? He never has her. I have her 24.7 and i love it. Im grateful i do. But that gives me no free time to go out. Blahh. Im frusterated. I dont like this. I hate that he is lazy and doesnt help me do anything!!! the joys of being a single mother right?
He told me he wanted to sign his rights over for cali. And i told him i wasnt going to support hisdecision because he is completely capable of being responsible and we would have to take it to the courtsand let them decide. ideally, him signing his rights over would be the best thing for me. Im not to sure it would be for cali. Especially when im not dating anyone and dont see myself settling down anytime soon, cali doesnt have a father figure. I just hope he will step up. Try harder. Because in the end it affects cali.
All i want to do is the right thing. I want the very best for her. She didnt do anything to deserve.anything less. I know i need to be patienta. And just be strong. Its difficult to not melt down somedays. It seriously gets tuff.
I need to keep thi in my prayers and ask for strength. Its out of my hands now. And i know that my heavenly father has a plan for me...and everything is going to work out just fine. He knows my heart and my struggles and he is.watching out for me. I just need to learn some tuff lessons on the way.
(Sorry to get all churchy. The way i feel)
Anyways, i hope thngs work out soon.
Xo
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